One man took his search for the perfect anniversary gift too far and shared his experience on the internet. Presumably because he felt quite secure in his marriage of 15 years, he found himself looking for a gift for his wife in a gun and pawn shop… He decided to give her the gift of personal safety. He purchased a 5-inch long pocket taser – because it was small enough for her purse, he figured she could carry it and thwart potential attacks from muggers.
When he found himself home alone with the taser, he decided to test it out. The small object that only needed two triple-A batteries did not seem capable of producing the 100,000 volts advertised on its packaging. He even publicly admitted to wanting to give his cat a little zap, but his humanity stopped him from such an appalling act. Unfortunately, he did not direct any such mercy toward himself:
With his reading glasses on, he studied the directions. The pocket taser documentation assured him that a one-second burst would disorient an attacker. If the target received a two-second burst, then muscle spasms would ensue. Stepping the taser up to a three-second burst promised to result in the target writhing helplessly on the ground. Lounging in his recliner and wearing only a tank top and shorts, the man decided to give his bare thigh a little one-second test zap. That is when he lost track of time.
Upon waking up on the floor in a fetal position, he struggled to cope with the pain. Tears streaked his eyes. Sweat bathed his body. His nipples burned fiercely. His useless legs tingled. He insisted his testicles had vanished or at least retreated as far as possible into his body cavity. Apparently, using a taser on himself made him incapable of releasing the button after one second. This left him locked in a high-voltage self-abuse session.
When he finally regained some command of his body, he sat up. Somehow his reading glasses had ended up on the fireplace mantel. They were bent. His muscles continued to twitch, and his testicles remained reluctant to return to a normal position. Judging from his lingering pain, he deemed the pocket taser a functional self-defense weapon for his wife. She reportedly loved the gift and routinely threatens him with it.